03-21-2014, 07:22 AM
I actually thought this poem was good and I'm glad I read it. You conveyed the message really well in parts, especially the first two lines. A few things I would change however:
Line three to "A lovely little falsity, better yet, a little fable",
Line four to "Preying on the minds of the young, the weak the willing and able",
Line six to "A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a disgrace".
Really though the poem was good, just some things can be cropped to add more flow into the poem. I really liked all the words for lies/lying that I hadn't really thought of before, like "falsity" and "fallacy". Never thought of all the words for lie. : )
I hope this helps a little bit.
-Austin
Line three to "A lovely little falsity, better yet, a little fable",
Line four to "Preying on the minds of the young, the weak the willing and able",
Line six to "A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a disgrace".
Really though the poem was good, just some things can be cropped to add more flow into the poem. I really liked all the words for lies/lying that I hadn't really thought of before, like "falsity" and "fallacy". Never thought of all the words for lie. : )
I hope this helps a little bit.
-Austin