Endurance

[Hermit]

Hi,
Why “o’er”? For me it doesn’t fit well with the language of the rest of the poem. The punctuation seems quite random in some places and could probably use some tightening up. I don’t know if you meant grey as just the color grey or as something more, but either way, the image of sweat that “greys the skin” didn't work for me since sweat is transparent. Just a few thoughts.
- Louise

Thanks for the opinions, Louise! I used "o'er" because it fit what I was trying to say and it fit the amount of syllables I was going for in the line. Also, I said "greys the skin" to portray the fact of smoke and pollution throughout, turning sweat a light grey.
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From what I understand, this poem is about the feelings of a hard-laborer that is working in extremely difficult if not impossible conditions which inflict pain, malady(sickness) and tears on him/her. It seems there is no other option or choice but to continue being in that terrible situation and enduring with the hope that one day it would all be over. It's a great poem and I like it, however a little more insight as to what's really happening in his/her life would make it more understandable!

Thanks for the positive opinion, Daacobra, I appreciate it! You're right, this was a poem referring to the hard life of factory workers in London in the 1900s. I really appreciate that you were able to understand the meaning of my poem and where it came from! Also, thanks for the tip, I'll try to work on providing more explanation in my next poems.
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See, I like this and then I don't. It has a supreme sense of rhythm to it but at the same time it is not easily understood. I speak in particular of the word "malady" as it is no longer in most peoples vocabulary. It also seems like the first stanza is forced to fit the rhyme and that the rhyme really hindered any type of content in the first stanza including imagery, or vivid emotion.

The second stanza seems even more forced almost to the point where it is random. You talk about sun, sweat and then tears but don't stop to explain any one of them. Why are you crying or sweating? Where are you? What exactly is going on? You don't have to answer all of these but maybe give the reader something more clear. Just a suggestion.

Anyways have fun writing, it was a pleasure

Thanks for the opinion! I realize that this poem was a bit forced; I was trying to go with a certain arrangement of syllables and a rhyme scheme. I'll try harder to make it flow next time. Also, I'll try some poems without rhyme so that I'm not hindering the emotions and details. Thanks again!
-Austin