A Coming Storm

[halfagirl]

I like where you are going with this, there is some strong visual imagery. I am also wondering why you made some of your punctuation choices? Especially the last two sections being in quotation marks - why did you make that choice?

A possible line change
"Threshing maw and gnashing steel
spew oil with each breath"

to

"Threshing maw and gnashing steel
spew oil as they exhale"

Good start!