03-19-2014, 02:55 AM
It needs either more or less punctuation; is there a specific reason you have used commas and semi-colons to yield structure to it but no periods?
I am unsure of some of the action in the poem because of discordant segments like 'threshing maw and gnashing steel'. A maw can thresh, yes, but a steel does not gnash. Strong, dark imagery has no affect if the effects it's written to have simply don't make sense.
I enjoyed the strength of the imagery, but some of the imagery doesn't do anything. The bled metropolis, for example, stands out to me as an image left hanging. Bled of what, and where did it's blood flow to?
Where is the ego and pride that the powers that were were cannibalized by? Being cannibalized by ego and pride is a brilliant metaphor, but it serves no purpose if the reader can't envision the ego and pride that performed the action.
I can't comment on meter because there is none consistent enough to be found. The fourth stanza is the only one that is poetic in this regard.
You did succeed in creating dark imagery, but there is not much of a story that it's placed within, and so the point of it being there is lacking.
I am unsure of some of the action in the poem because of discordant segments like 'threshing maw and gnashing steel'. A maw can thresh, yes, but a steel does not gnash. Strong, dark imagery has no affect if the effects it's written to have simply don't make sense.
I enjoyed the strength of the imagery, but some of the imagery doesn't do anything. The bled metropolis, for example, stands out to me as an image left hanging. Bled of what, and where did it's blood flow to?
Where is the ego and pride that the powers that were were cannibalized by? Being cannibalized by ego and pride is a brilliant metaphor, but it serves no purpose if the reader can't envision the ego and pride that performed the action.
I can't comment on meter because there is none consistent enough to be found. The fourth stanza is the only one that is poetic in this regard.
You did succeed in creating dark imagery, but there is not much of a story that it's placed within, and so the point of it being there is lacking.