03-18-2014, 09:09 AM
The one word that sums up this piece to me is adulation which could possibly hold the readers attention for one or two stanzas but for six it begins progressively to grind.
The thought I was left with after reading was that you are placing the object of your adulation, presumable a women, on such a high pedestal that no woman one could ever hope to reach.
Some interesting lines were mixed with others that made little sense
When it rains it’s of our happy tears
Pouring onto the streets
Making mediocrity into a series of
Five million rainbows in the city.
My advice would be to simplify your writing, let it breath. Look for angles that give a different slant on the emotion you are seeking to express instead of continuing to repeat the same theme.
Regards Cari.
The thought I was left with after reading was that you are placing the object of your adulation, presumable a women, on such a high pedestal that no woman one could ever hope to reach.
Some interesting lines were mixed with others that made little sense
When it rains it’s of our happy tears
Pouring onto the streets
Making mediocrity into a series of
Five million rainbows in the city.
My advice would be to simplify your writing, let it breath. Look for angles that give a different slant on the emotion you are seeking to express instead of continuing to repeat the same theme.
Regards Cari.