Poetry Telephone Complete!

[milo]

Hello trueenigma.
Fourth Rewrite

Songs for Eros

She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.
She hummed the lullaby throughout the night.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise

The line "She drew . . ." doesn't bother me, but when I think of a single breath being drawn and then her humming a lullaby in the very next line, i am perplexed. I think using the /ai/ assonance in both refrains may have been a bit of a mistake especially seeing as how you included some internal rhyme as well. It is odd to switch tense voices within a single line " . . didn't stir, nor would . .". i suppose you were attempting to avoid the repetition but the it accents the fact that "would he" is filler (Her husband didn't stir nor rise).

until the morning. She would then surmise
his passing. Wonder if he dreamed her frights.
She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.

the awkward "She would then" is of course forced by your tense switchings within the stanzas. Part of me thinks it's a neat trick as the villanelle form will now force this to occur again and again, like a time loop or something but if it is deliberate i don't think this poem pulls it off. Also, I don't think there is a way to get away with "She drew a single breath . . " in as a repetend in a narrative as I remember her drawing a breath earlier. If she keeps this up she is likely to asphyxiate!

She sang erotic verses to surprise
him into sight, stood nude by fire light.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

I would imagine it is this stanza here that leads to the Salome and Jochanaan later. "into sight" seems wrong. She sees him now, he isn't hiding, he is either sleeping or dead.

She hummed the lullaby and fantasized
him broad awake, eyes wide. To view the sight
she drew a single breath then closed her eyes.

She snuggled close and cried her lullabies.
She mourned him gone and begged that they unite.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

She did her sexy dance, erotic cries.
She hummed the lullaby throughout the night.
She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.
her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

-Trueenigma

There continues some awkwardness and unlikeliness as well as some rather pronoun heavy verse. I think the idea of this as a villanelle could work.

Thanks for participating.

Yeah, almost every line starts on she. I would argue though, that there is no way she could see him, him being an invisible God and all. I'm glad you pointed put what is actually wrong with it, rather than the obvious, (ise and ized aren't precisely the same sound). Now maybe I will try and produce a proper villanelle with it, rather than the tempting monorhyme vill to show that there is no issue with finding rhymes.

Heh - well, if nothing else, that exercise was a reminder why we are the best and fastest growing forum on the internet.