03-17-2014, 09:25 PM
Hello Hermit, it is hard to figure out what is going on here. The way the words are ordered
gives no "flow" to the poem, there is no life to the poem because of that. More clarity is need to the central idea you are trying to impart to the reader.
Beware of using to many modifiers, eg, "tan" before "mud" "mighty cleansing" before "power" one of those words at least, is superfluous.
Look for pruning opportunities, eg, your poem has more to do with mud than the scratches from the bramble so the first verse could have gone something like this below.
With just a trip
you fall.
Mud swallows you whole
and spits you out.
When you look at the other verses in the same way you can see where pruning may give tighter focus.
I really liked the idea of the wind drying the mud so that the person covered by it appears,
"dry" and "cracked". A bit like "The Thing" from the Fantastic Four.
Thank you. JG
gives no "flow" to the poem, there is no life to the poem because of that. More clarity is need to the central idea you are trying to impart to the reader.
Beware of using to many modifiers, eg, "tan" before "mud" "mighty cleansing" before "power" one of those words at least, is superfluous.
Look for pruning opportunities, eg, your poem has more to do with mud than the scratches from the bramble so the first verse could have gone something like this below.
With just a trip
you fall.
Mud swallows you whole
and spits you out.
When you look at the other verses in the same way you can see where pruning may give tighter focus.
I really liked the idea of the wind drying the mud so that the person covered by it appears,
"dry" and "cracked". A bit like "The Thing" from the Fantastic Four.
Thank you. JG