Come Leaves Burst v3

[tectak]

Come Leaves Burst
Trait o'er sun breaks the dale.
Frost's house glows, cream egg
polished tooth, candle mass, whey

over trees. The stamen daisy
windows direct, connect, stripe
the barwaken sky dripping

rainbow strait watercolour
melting snow blue. Cold, rapt,
enwrapped cold, old night pulls

the Queen, who names the vale,
to heave all winter's rain,
hooked, eyed, crochet quavered

gown; frock coated vain veil
virgin rolling, rolling, retreating
up and aft, to the river.

Hello Jeremy,
This worries me a deal. That much is certain e're the critics breach the stones...heads up to pike the old, old greys and risk the swish of loaded trebuchet....if you see what I mean. You don't? Well, now you know how I feel.
Thing is, imagery is NOT all there is. Words are wonderful ingredients but quantity, order of use and methodology all matter if you want to make a cake.
I am liking this because I think I would be vilified if I said it was anything less than competent...oh the hell with it. It needs less obscurity and more meaningful expressiveness.You are thinking poetically...that's fine...but you really must write precisely. The line breaks and enjambments are pseudo-poetic and are frankly distractingly rebellious. Why do it? Can you do it right? This is Mild Crit...wisely posted...but you could workshop this in to a great piece. Are you up for it?
Say the word and I will transport you.
Best,
tectak