03-17-2014, 04:18 AM
I'd prefer round of gold.
Some might quibble that there needs to be punctuation after 'five years' - for me the enjambment works, dragging the scene from a very personal women to the wonderful phrase 'one raindrop among many catches my eye' before the camera pans onto the priest and the older men.
I'm not a fan of question marks in poems, I'm not sure who placed it in my brain, but I am coming round to it, and the use of them here work, plus they benefit from the rule of three.
The poem has a nice movement through the stanzas, the opening is nicely loose, almost casual - which is nice, given that you are painting a picture of an idea popping into your mind, and daydreaming.
The shift in the third stanza to images of the relationship with the father is well handled. And the questions, particularly the third one, are well used, and illustrative. I like 'living a haiku'
The final stanza, is structured well, the enjambments are effective, and the 'rush' to move past the dying process contrasts nicely with the over stanza's in which the images are broken at the end of the line (if you see what I mean)/ Plus I like the way the furst and last line is not broken mid line, and form a couplet.
The tone of the poem is very good, calm, well paced, and strong.
Thank you.
Some might quibble that there needs to be punctuation after 'five years' - for me the enjambment works, dragging the scene from a very personal women to the wonderful phrase 'one raindrop among many catches my eye' before the camera pans onto the priest and the older men.
I'm not a fan of question marks in poems, I'm not sure who placed it in my brain, but I am coming round to it, and the use of them here work, plus they benefit from the rule of three.
The poem has a nice movement through the stanzas, the opening is nicely loose, almost casual - which is nice, given that you are painting a picture of an idea popping into your mind, and daydreaming.
The shift in the third stanza to images of the relationship with the father is well handled. And the questions, particularly the third one, are well used, and illustrative. I like 'living a haiku'
The final stanza, is structured well, the enjambments are effective, and the 'rush' to move past the dying process contrasts nicely with the over stanza's in which the images are broken at the end of the line (if you see what I mean)/ Plus I like the way the furst and last line is not broken mid line, and form a couplet.
The tone of the poem is very good, calm, well paced, and strong.
Thank you.