03-16-2014, 09:13 AM
[quote='beaufort' pid='157203' dateline='1394477876']
I remember them then, though dimly. (I agree about taking this line out)
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing. (I'm confused as to if the 'because' is responding to the silent walking or the plum eating.. either way, this could be stronger, more evocative if that's how you're choosing to begin the poem)
Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known. (the difference in form in this stanza doesn't seem intentional. I'm sure if you rework it, you can find the right way to say all this)
In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth. (I like this whole stanza; the image is very clear. Alliteration in the last line is nice, too.)
Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes. (could connect 'steaming' eyes back to the coffee?)
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair. (I like this stanza also, it's well done and finishes things off nicely.)
I remember them then, though dimly. (I agree about taking this line out)
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing. (I'm confused as to if the 'because' is responding to the silent walking or the plum eating.. either way, this could be stronger, more evocative if that's how you're choosing to begin the poem)
Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known. (the difference in form in this stanza doesn't seem intentional. I'm sure if you rework it, you can find the right way to say all this)
In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth. (I like this whole stanza; the image is very clear. Alliteration in the last line is nice, too.)
Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes. (could connect 'steaming' eyes back to the coffee?)
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair. (I like this stanza also, it's well done and finishes things off nicely.)