03-16-2014, 08:59 AM
Thanks to makeshift, jeremyyoung, geoff, christophersea, heslopian for your kind comments and suggestions.
Makeshift, I wanted the bluntness of the last line of the first stanza to illustrate the stark emptiness of the relationship, might not have gotten it right. The "little fingers" are meant to belong to the narrator and not the doll, agree it isn't clear. Thanks.
Jeremyyoung, it is a long line, I may try to break it down. Thanks for your reading and comments.
Geoff, I agree the first line is weak, I was set on four line stanzas which is crazy, but what can I say. I wanted to introduce the narrator early, but this may not be necessary. I'll think about the metaphor vs. simile suggestion. Many thanks.
ChristopherSea, thanks for your comments. I tend to have "issues" with line breaks, and will look at them carefully. On one level I wanted the little girl (narrator) to reflect in her "plastic" doll the fact that her parents may have viewed her as less than valued, but might have missed transmitting that. Appreciate your comments. Best.
Heslopian, you're right that the stockings were (inadvertently) personified. Scary that stockings would know about love
. I was going for sadly melancholic but not angry or histrionic, so glad it came across in that manner. I appreciate your comments.
I will post an edit in the next few days - hope you all can stick around and give it a read. Many thanks.
Makeshift, I wanted the bluntness of the last line of the first stanza to illustrate the stark emptiness of the relationship, might not have gotten it right. The "little fingers" are meant to belong to the narrator and not the doll, agree it isn't clear. Thanks.
Jeremyyoung, it is a long line, I may try to break it down. Thanks for your reading and comments.
Geoff, I agree the first line is weak, I was set on four line stanzas which is crazy, but what can I say. I wanted to introduce the narrator early, but this may not be necessary. I'll think about the metaphor vs. simile suggestion. Many thanks.
ChristopherSea, thanks for your comments. I tend to have "issues" with line breaks, and will look at them carefully. On one level I wanted the little girl (narrator) to reflect in her "plastic" doll the fact that her parents may have viewed her as less than valued, but might have missed transmitting that. Appreciate your comments. Best.
Heslopian, you're right that the stockings were (inadvertently) personified. Scary that stockings would know about love
. I was going for sadly melancholic but not angry or histrionic, so glad it came across in that manner. I appreciate your comments. I will post an edit in the next few days - hope you all can stick around and give it a read. Many thanks.