03-15-2014, 02:05 PM
See, I like this and then I don't. It has a supreme sense of rhythm to it but at the same time it is not easily understood. I speak in particular of the word "malady" as it is no longer in most peoples vocabulary. It also seems like the first stanza is forced to fit the rhyme and that the rhyme really hindered any type of content in the first stanza including imagery, or vivid emotion.
The second stanza seems even more forced almost to the point where it is random. You talk about sun, sweat and then tears but don't stop to explain any one of them. Why are you crying or sweating? Where are you? What exactly is going on? You don't have to answer all of these but maybe give the reader something more clear. Just a suggestion.
Anyways have fun writing, it was a pleasure
The second stanza seems even more forced almost to the point where it is random. You talk about sun, sweat and then tears but don't stop to explain any one of them. Why are you crying or sweating? Where are you? What exactly is going on? You don't have to answer all of these but maybe give the reader something more clear. Just a suggestion.
Anyways have fun writing, it was a pleasure