Relic

[geoff]

hey christopher

(jeremy edit 1) Thank you

Relic

Entombed in amber,
I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion, ...the last three lines didn't add much for me; why are these visitors key? It is a question that I don't get an answer to
as a curiosity for visitors
that happen by.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert, ...it could be interesting to contrast this with the "novel finds" of the previous stanza, who, I imagine, don't have a history to recall. regardless, I like the opening to the stanza
navigating clement seas,
but now I lie
as a Trilobite cast, ...in some ways, I'm not convinced that I needed to know this was a Trilobite. It's too specific for me and could e addition through subtraction for the piece if it's removed
a limestone replica
of what I had been.

The wrinkled integument
of my former self persists,
an etching in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.....part of me likes the idea of different "pasts" that is suggested by the "a". However, another part of me feels like the idea here is a too broad

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
existence has fossilized. ....like the close

As I was reading this, I wondered if this person "her" is really crucial to the piece. It seems as the poem progresses alright without (even the "visitors" of the first stanza do not come to see the character directly it seems, but just "happen by"). Replacing the pronoun would be easy enough as well ("I sit on a shelf/ among more novel finds...). In fact, it would add a bit of ambiguity to the location--the focus shifts a tad from being about an object in a house to really concentrating on the objects themselves

I liked the idea behind the pieced, but I think the goal (including these various objects) may have driven the wording rather than seeing where the wording itself would lead. The vocabulary is nice and well-suited. That being said, lines are often very direct ("I recall gilded epochs..."a replica of what I had been"..."vestige of warmth is absent") and can force the reader onto the same level of the speaker rather than guiding for interpretation. The times when I wanted to develop my own thoughts on an image or item in the piece, I felt as though I was told how to feel.

A focus on a single object could really make the piece shine for me.

thanks for sharing
-geoff