03-14-2014, 09:04 AM
Ignoramus that I am, I've never heard of this practice/hobby. I like this poem. Nice and effective rewrite, too. My only wonder on the first stanza rewrite (better/tighter than the original) is in wondering if the reader will know that...
a rat trapped in a heated copper pot
...is that guilt in the stomach of the person in the poem (or at least that's how I took it, or wanted to). I don't know, I don't know. I keep thinking something like (I'm just talking *idea* here, not my word/phrase choice)...but guilt is in my stomach now/a rat trapped in a heated copper pot...
I honestly think this a *tweak* or two from done, in the books. Again, I like this poem.
a rat trapped in a heated copper pot
...is that guilt in the stomach of the person in the poem (or at least that's how I took it, or wanted to). I don't know, I don't know. I keep thinking something like (I'm just talking *idea* here, not my word/phrase choice)...but guilt is in my stomach now/a rat trapped in a heated copper pot...
I honestly think this a *tweak* or two from done, in the books. Again, I like this poem.
You can't hate me more than I hate myself. I win.
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."