03-14-2014, 05:29 AM
Very much enjoyed this one AJ especially S2 the opening line depicts that reluctant morning start when walking to school, shoe drag says it all. It took me a few reads to get a council house v private house segregation and the black panther ref and colour rejected made me think of other types of segregation, so nice job. The walk home is quite daunting and you have really captured that sudden quiet when you walk at the back or stop for sweets. I did get the 11+ bit but not sure many will, you may have to telegraph comp and grammar . The last stanza would benefit from thinning out a bit as it seems like your trying to hard although the sonics are excellent as is the tension. Other than that I have only more praise for a very enjoyable poem.
PS the herd moves on is an excellent line
Best Keith ( a red brick comprehensive kid with can kicked shoes in second hand clothes who always lost site of the herd...and still does.)
PS the herd moves on is an excellent line
Best Keith ( a red brick comprehensive kid with can kicked shoes in second hand clothes who always lost site of the herd...and still does.)
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out