First Remembrances - First Edit

[geoff]

hello beaufort

here are my initial thoughts

I remember them then, though dimly. ...not a fan of this line because it does not really add much to the introduction or really have much agency for the speaker; really, the stanza flows fine without it. It also adds in a present tense that may not be needed. the return to the first person in the close may justify it being here though
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing. ....mixed feelings about this line. it is flat; there is nothing to grab on or really connect to because the idea is vague. that being said, the line reiterates the feeling of the characters...



Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known....giving this stanza the eye test, it feels a bit off balance because of the extended second line. the image is interesting; I think a metaphor would make it tighter than a simile and would try dropping the "like" somehow

In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth.

...interesting focus on only a single character here

Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes.
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair....the shift from two characters without affection to the speaker and the doll is nice. The "untidy hair" adds in a twist

the first couple of stanzas had some vague ideas. Thought the poem got tighter as it advanced.

Thanks for the read

-geoff