03-12-2014, 04:44 AM
(03-12-2014, 12:25 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Hi 71,rain / rein / reign Trying to get them all in. May be too much. The beginning isn't really a winter landscape, it's a winter landscape that is changing to WET due to four feet of snow being turned into mush by the first 40 degree day since before Xmas. Don't want anything to do with dry. Thanks for the read.
I like this winter landscape, but my skin is itching for spring as well. Your opening stanza was very reminiscent of a watercolor snow-scape painted wet-on-wet. I would select a dilute payne's gray and cerulean hue to match your palette and atmosphere. Once dry, your hawk would be sharply rendered in dry-brush. The result would be just as you described.
Those grasshopper men were a delight, as were the kites. Don’t you want the sun ‘reigning’ over the wind? I not certain if you wish the sun to ‘rule the wind’ or ‘rein it in’, but that could be my problem.
(03-12-2014, 12:41 AM)jeremyyoung Wrote: The poem has a nice feel of the Spring awakening, with the birds and animals chivvying winter away. The poem is almost the new year yawning, rubbing it's eyes, and looking around.The field behind the house turns into an army of grasshoppers in the summer, hence the "grasshopper men"....This has been a difficult year (mountains of snow, winter since November, 45 total days of below zero temps)....Thanks for your positive comments. I will revisit the language in the first stanza.
I wonder about of the first stanza, it's nice how the images run into each other, and match the description, but there is something about the word 'illusions'.... at first I thought it was 'fuzzy' that bothered me.... and maybe it is the 'z's of 'fuzzy', 'illusions' and 'edges' and I am just picking on the middle child. Of course it could just me a matter of accent.
The system section is very good, especially the use of the word 'kite' to reflect the hawk from earlier. I was a bit lost by the use of 'grasshopper men'.
The last stanza is the strongest. The setting sun growing stronger, it reining in the wind - very good. Would prefer 'V's of geese', more descriptive. I like the jolt of the word 'find' instead of recall/remember etc, it nicely emphasises the active search for spring occurring.

