Driving Back to the Apartment (passanger seat)

[71degrees]

Edit 1

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us
with words; embers adrift
in cold air.good improvement here with the edit

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A syllable dangles
in delicate balance
upon my lip.

Inhale—
the syllable slips
down my throat
and smolders;
stomach coal.I might be tempted to leave out this last line

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations. I get "non-conversations" but it seems a bit unwieldy to me. How about simply "left by silence" ?
I look towards you—
your sinking sun
drives the sky below us. don't really understand "your" sinking sun - is the sun belonging to him? under his control? Maybe it's just me

I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak—
black orifice, smoke tap.
You stare.
You did a good job with the edit IMO. I wouldn't have understood who the black orifice referred to without reading your explanation, but now that I know it fits well with the rest. You use the word "stare" twice here - did you want to emphasize it? Also, passenger is misspelled. Thanks for sharing this!

Original
We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)

---

Edit 1

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us
with words; embers adrift
in cold air.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A syllable dangles
in delicate balance
upon my lip.

Inhale—
the syllable slips
down my throat
and smolders;
stomach coal.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you—
your sinking sun
drives the sky below us.

I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak—
black orifice, smoke tap.
You stare.

Original
We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)

Am a firm believer in "as few words as possible"...therefore, do you need "rear view" w/mirror. What other mirrors are in a car? How many "the's" can we edit out of this? Like the first one, maybe? Do you need "with words"...just "splitting the distance" implies an abyss between the two of you. Also, it's "lips" not lip. You have two. "Highway hums, fills the holes" is plenty. You keep hitting me over the head like I don't get it w/continued phrases like, "...left by non-conversations." I don't need this stuff to understand there is silence.

I like this poem. Clean it up and get rid of absolutely everything you don't need. Sparsity is what you want to get the idea of the poem across. Thanks for posting. Your edit is a great first step.