03-11-2014, 07:46 AM
This reminds me of the Roger McGough poem 4 Love, and I wonder if a similar concrete construction might be possible.
Also I wonder about the references to heat. I'm not sure they add anything more than the description of the silence, and the biting of tongues.
I like the swallowed syllable... is it? no,yes,meh, bleh, I, you, he, she.... I don't want to know, but that works... but it stops working when it becomes an 'ember', as that points towards anger, and there is something more interesting about the relationship in the car, if we don't know why they aren't talking.
One change I would suggest......
Highway hum fills the holes
of non-conversation.
I don't like 'black orifice'... it's too overly dramatic. Like you are suddenly a demon in a D&D book.
Also I wonder about the references to heat. I'm not sure they add anything more than the description of the silence, and the biting of tongues.
I like the swallowed syllable... is it? no,yes,meh, bleh, I, you, he, she.... I don't want to know, but that works... but it stops working when it becomes an 'ember', as that points towards anger, and there is something more interesting about the relationship in the car, if we don't know why they aren't talking.
One change I would suggest......
Highway hum fills the holes
of non-conversation.
I don't like 'black orifice'... it's too overly dramatic. Like you are suddenly a demon in a D&D book.