03-11-2014, 06:14 AM
What an extraordinary poem - or perhaps an example of my favourite phrase of late, 'the important ordinary'.
The only change that I would make is....
'Some days she would strip off her stockings,
hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;'
I understand the reasons for, and the effect of the enjambment, however for me it makes the stanza visually clumsy. And you could get almost the same effect with a colon after 'strip'
The opening stanza is very good indeed. When I read it the first time I feared the minor opening was leading toward poetic indulgence, but the eating of the plums as a metaphor for the relationship is both intriguing, and oddly apt.
"both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known."
The double meaning of these lines is perfect - having already set up the disfuntion of the relationship - contrasting and building upon it with the intrusive stockings really works.
And it wont surprise you, that I really like the last two stanza's, particularly 'steaming eyes' referencing 'cleansing her throat with heat', and the introduction of the narrator, who demonstrates through child's play the affection that is missing elsewhere.
The only change that I would make is....
'Some days she would strip off her stockings,
hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;'
I understand the reasons for, and the effect of the enjambment, however for me it makes the stanza visually clumsy. And you could get almost the same effect with a colon after 'strip'
The opening stanza is very good indeed. When I read it the first time I feared the minor opening was leading toward poetic indulgence, but the eating of the plums as a metaphor for the relationship is both intriguing, and oddly apt.
"both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known."
The double meaning of these lines is perfect - having already set up the disfuntion of the relationship - contrasting and building upon it with the intrusive stockings really works.
And it wont surprise you, that I really like the last two stanza's, particularly 'steaming eyes' referencing 'cleansing her throat with heat', and the introduction of the narrator, who demonstrates through child's play the affection that is missing elsewhere.