03-10-2014, 10:46 AM
There is something old about this poem as though maybe you were taking an idea from a poem from another century. There are things that intrigued me; obviously some criminal has violated them, whether metaphoric or real, but the form seems arcane and could benefit from a more modern treatment. Also there are some cliché lines like "Menacing. Blacker than night" etc. Some things are too hackneyed, like fear calling your name. Personifying "fear" seems overdone. There are echoes of Do not go gentle into that good night which sounds like a spoof here. What does "No one has bested me yet" mean? You seem to be trying to relate a tale of woe but this style and the veil the poem hides behind doesn't work for me.