Poetry Telephone Complete!

[milo]

Hello justcloudy, it was great to see how you handled the poetry telephone game.

Bastard

His shallow breathing steadies her--
shut eyes and wordless dreams;
she lies all night imagining
his future as a king.

the second line doesn't seem to fit grammatically. I also don't think it adds much. From later in the poem I took him to be quite young, perhaps even an infant so it is tough to reconcile "wordless dreams".

She wraps up tight and holds him close,
sings what mother once sung
before the masks and blasts released
mom’s breath from collapsed lungs.

Something strange about the first line here. I guess, I want to ask she wraps /what/ up tight even though I assume it is him. Also, why "up"? Maybe she wraps "him" tight? "Sung" should technically be "sang" as it is simple past from. I think you can safely trim the article before masks.

Each morn she hands him over
to a foreign loveless breast ,
trudges to the chateau’s chambers
invisible to guests.

My instinct is to balk at "morn" but I suppose the diction fits the scene. I wonder if there is a way you can let the reader decide the breast is loveless without just telling me - (cold, white breast)

A life lived in repetition
with one hope to sustain--
her son’s father a royal,
with no heirs yet to his name.

I think there is a way to state the redundancy without the abstraction of repetition and I think it might be worth seeking it out. Also, following "with one hope" I don't think you need "to sustain". I don't see a valid reason to skip the "is" before "a royal". I also don't think you need "to his name", no heirs is no heirs. This stanza may be my least favourite, I wonder if you need it at all.

She scrubs and mutely smiles,
but when far from hidden spies
brown eyes leak salty water
fearing promises were lies.

Maybe She smiles mutely as she scrubs to free the conjunction. Comparing tears to salty water isn't exactly fresh. If the spies are hidden how does she know when she is far from them? "fearing promises . . ." may be a little clunky.

Will they take her back to where
her mind buried in the past--
a dark hall of hopeless mortals
starving in their iron casts?

I like the idea and sound of "iron casts" but I am having difficulty reconciling it - is it a dungeon? "hopeless" - again, this is a litlle telly.

She lifts her chin up slowly
as she rises from the ground--
a king deserves a mother
who’s still regal when cast down.

I don't think you need "up" with lifts. maybe just "and rises" to trim the pronoun repetition.

Overall, I enjoyed the reading and the message good enough to carry.

Thanks for participating.