1984 Re-interpreted

[Leanne]

1984 Re-interpreted -- "re-interpreted" makes this sound pretentious -- anyone with a passing familiarity with one of the most read, most quoted and most alluded-to novels of the past century will expect some links with the novel. Allusion only works if it actually does exist -- just stealing a title makes it seem as if you're trying to be clever, but failing to follow through.

The soft looking waitress slid -- soft-looking, or does she give soft looks? Grammar and punctuation do matter, even in poetry
the piece of French silk pie
across the table, filled
your coffee mug like you
were a recovering alcoholic -- how would this go down? She's filling the mug as if she's filling a coffee mug for a recovering alcoholic -- do they have their coffee mugs filled differently to other people? Is it tentative, like the recipient is going to be angered by coffee instead of vodka? Is it a judgmental filling with a knowing look and a sympathetic head tilt? Really, a simile needs to be a shortcut to meaning, not a construct that increases ambiguity.

It was 3:30 am, it was 1984, -- the repetition of "it was" is redundant -- why not simply "it was 3:30am, 1984"? If you're going to leave out details, you can leave out pointless filler words too
and she wore that erotic orange
serving outfit when she asked you -- "serving outfit" kind of undoes the "erotic" -- there must be a less clumsy way to phrase this
to hold your cup still up over -- "up" is redundant
the pie; hell, holding your breath
wasn’t nothing like holding
a real woman

but when you came back
the next evening after Lit. finals
only to be told Julia had quit, -- this is fairly wordy -- something like "to find out" might work better
you wished there had been ways
to watch which way she had left
your life for good so you could follow
her into oblivion rather than return
to a real life -- these last two lines are incredibly wordy and telly -- you could drop them off completely and end on "follow", because the rest is implied