03-08-2014, 09:46 PM
So many questions.... and the title being a question, of sorts, doesn't offer the key.
suggestion....
On this rock
hard earth of winter hell
In this rice white scenery with a flourishing blizzard 'rice white' excellent, 'flourishing blizzard' not so.
Neat....
In this light
In her sight
What of love when it harbors mistakes 'harbour' picks up nicely on light.... 'What of' questions, too naval gazing?
suggestion....
What of feeling that defines ones fate
suggestion....
I know, love as I know my past
I know, with each moment another passed
Good use of autumn... would suggest fruits/leaves instead of 'moments'... and maybe chop the line for visual effect.
Perhaps if autumn had been longer these moments could have lasted
suggestion.....
What of love, life is short
What of a home with locked door
Nice... repetition
I know of love just as I know of this house
I know each corridor better than I know my spouse
suggestion....
Perhaps this is why I am locked out
suggestion....
The way she loves fixes people
the way she loves speaks no evil,
nor patience to hear of any ill,
nor evil focused in her eye
Something like that....
suggestion
I love people to set them free
the way I love makes no regrets
or offers up a plea to death
Like this bit...
No needs, no wants
Satisfied, satiated, and certain
My love slowly but surely draws the curtain
Nice use of rhyme, and meter.... though could do with pruning
With applause still high I now wonder,
If I loved her and she loved me,
Why couldn't her love fix my love's fragility
What of love if it couldn't spare her from a beautiful tragedy
Suggest you repeat 'rice white'... and shorten to 'in the birth of spring'
On this ice soaked pavement during the birth of spring
Not sure biracial is the right term,
In this biracial season where browns form greens
There are some good images and ideas in the poem. And, a few contradictions, that could do with being ironed out, mainly to do with why you are locked out, and the nature of the love being shared. I'm suspecting a menage a trois of sorts - due to there being a lover and spouse.
suggestion....
On this rock
hard earth of winter hell
In this rice white scenery with a flourishing blizzard 'rice white' excellent, 'flourishing blizzard' not so.
Neat....
In this light
In her sight
What of love when it harbors mistakes 'harbour' picks up nicely on light.... 'What of' questions, too naval gazing?
suggestion....
What of feeling that defines ones fate
suggestion....
I know, love as I know my past
I know, with each moment another passed
Good use of autumn... would suggest fruits/leaves instead of 'moments'... and maybe chop the line for visual effect.
Perhaps if autumn had been longer these moments could have lasted
suggestion.....
What of love, life is short
What of a home with locked door
Nice... repetition
I know of love just as I know of this house
I know each corridor better than I know my spouse
suggestion....
Perhaps this is why I am locked out
suggestion....
The way she loves fixes people
the way she loves speaks no evil,
nor patience to hear of any ill,
nor evil focused in her eye
Something like that....
suggestion
I love people to set them free
the way I love makes no regrets
or offers up a plea to death
Like this bit...
No needs, no wants
Satisfied, satiated, and certain
My love slowly but surely draws the curtain
Nice use of rhyme, and meter.... though could do with pruning
With applause still high I now wonder,
If I loved her and she loved me,
Why couldn't her love fix my love's fragility
What of love if it couldn't spare her from a beautiful tragedy
Suggest you repeat 'rice white'... and shorten to 'in the birth of spring'
On this ice soaked pavement during the birth of spring
Not sure biracial is the right term,
In this biracial season where browns form greens
There are some good images and ideas in the poem. And, a few contradictions, that could do with being ironed out, mainly to do with why you are locked out, and the nature of the love being shared. I'm suspecting a menage a trois of sorts - due to there being a lover and spouse.