03-07-2014, 08:46 PM
Hello cf,
There is a lot to like here: It brings home a memory that we all have, it made me miss my Dad, the closing line is poignant. I felt that certain lines diluted the poem and that perhaps some alternate word choices would tighten things up and strengthen the piece overall. Here are some ideas for you to mull over:
In the first strophe, I don’t think you need the last line. It does not add much and you have already taken your 'places', while this line takes a step backwards.
In the second one, consider ‘throw’ and ‘exchange’ for ‘pass’ and 'delivery', respectively. These terms are more apropos to baseball. Consider removing the full stop and pacing a comma after 'forth', as you have no verb in the next line. You may need a comma after ‘delivery’ and ‘read’. You may want ‘hidden’ for ‘hiding’, ‘in’ for ‘within’. Probably delete the second ‘his’.
Other than the slow motion action shot, the next stanza only reiterates the one above. In the fourth stanza, sentence two is not a complete sentence or thought.
In the final stanza, ‘pitch’ may fare better than ‘strike’. Shouldn't fingers 'stir'/stretch the seams, not the reverse? I really like that last line! However, I don’t really see the evidence in the rest of the poem to support that 'stone'. I hope you find some ideas here to help you with your next edit.
Good luck./Chris
There is a lot to like here: It brings home a memory that we all have, it made me miss my Dad, the closing line is poignant. I felt that certain lines diluted the poem and that perhaps some alternate word choices would tighten things up and strengthen the piece overall. Here are some ideas for you to mull over:
In the first strophe, I don’t think you need the last line. It does not add much and you have already taken your 'places', while this line takes a step backwards.
In the second one, consider ‘throw’ and ‘exchange’ for ‘pass’ and 'delivery', respectively. These terms are more apropos to baseball. Consider removing the full stop and pacing a comma after 'forth', as you have no verb in the next line. You may need a comma after ‘delivery’ and ‘read’. You may want ‘hidden’ for ‘hiding’, ‘in’ for ‘within’. Probably delete the second ‘his’.
Other than the slow motion action shot, the next stanza only reiterates the one above. In the fourth stanza, sentence two is not a complete sentence or thought.
In the final stanza, ‘pitch’ may fare better than ‘strike’. Shouldn't fingers 'stir'/stretch the seams, not the reverse? I really like that last line! However, I don’t really see the evidence in the rest of the poem to support that 'stone'. I hope you find some ideas here to help you with your next edit.
Good luck./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris