03-07-2014, 01:11 PM
Excellent stuff as usual 71, keep 'em coming
2 thoughts brief thoughts beyond what's been said;
I like the intent in your conclusion, but it is wordy and lacks the visual impact of the rest of the piece. Perhaps strip it back to;
"your life so you could follow her
into oblivion"
Ending with oblivion resonates more closely to the original work too IMO.
Secondly, your double negative at the close stanza two is brilliant. Just brilliant.
thanks t
2 thoughts brief thoughts beyond what's been said;
I like the intent in your conclusion, but it is wordy and lacks the visual impact of the rest of the piece. Perhaps strip it back to;
"your life so you could follow her
into oblivion"
Ending with oblivion resonates more closely to the original work too IMO.
Secondly, your double negative at the close stanza two is brilliant. Just brilliant.
thanks t