Poetry Telephone Complete!

[ellajam]

I couldn’t decide where to start- all of the poems have merit and are worthy…so as it was lent I thought I would pick something up instead of giving something up. Starting at the beginning I will try and do a bit more feedback,…perhaps reach the dizzy heights of one a day.
Hi Ella, first off I wanted to say well done for the subtly of the changes that you made from the original, (particularly in the first stanza) to make such a different story. I think of all of the poems, this one followed the example that we were given the most closely. Kudos.
Overall I loved the story you told. Classic Mills and Boon stuff. You hooked me in from the first line and I want to know how it works out for her long term. (Will the child turn out to be a hero or become a thug and rapist himself…is he really a royal wild oat – is there a twist in this tale). This poem has plenty of leg room and I like that. You kept the story crisp with just enough images and details to make it feel intimate.

Truth of a Chambermaid loved the title shift you made. Very clever.

She relies upon her good humor- On the first read the first line lacked any real impact but it worked well enough on the second read. I can see where you have used the word humor as the word association with the original poem, but if this was now being treated as a stand alone poem I think you could find a stronger line. Perhaps something along the lines of: She lives on her nerves and humor. Agreed
tames her hair to some degree Love this line. This was where her character starts to hold me. Nice image
whips up a bun with carved comb, …and again nice double image and detailing.
doesn't wear her skirt above her knee. ...and again consistency to the story you have really controlled the story in this one well I thought.

Her warm brown eyes dim could possibly drop the warm or the brown (they say the same thing to me)
with memories of the siege. This left me wanting more details – but mostly in a good way. No totally convinced about the word siege for the story but it has a good stand alone sonic and a lovely sound link into the next line, but not sold out on the word memories. Siege has medieval overtone of violence that I like in connection with the rape image I got. Memories does not fit the same image and feels in conflict with the word siege...hope this rambling makes some sort of sense. I stuck on siege because of "seas" in the previous poem, actually looked it up to see it could squeak through, maybe not.
Somnambulant through vacant halls, love this line, it has a distant, dislocated association that fits the story so well
she startles as her cellphone rings, ...and back to now well played. Cellphone is a mouthful and a hard modern, now sound..i am assuming this is what you wanted after the retro feel of the previous lines. either way I like it.
still wary of calls to leave her hometown
she harbors fears they'll come for her.
She shakes herself, resists the urge to flee.I think I get the story in these last three lines but they are not quite there . Think you could smooth out the sonics and the meaning a bit more. Is she wary of calls from her home town because she has run away...or is she in hiding within her home town. You are confused here because I am too. I got caught on Londontown from the poem before. I really don't have a clear idea about what is going on here myself. I'll try to figure it out.

She moves to clear debris of guests, aloof
in berths they laze, at long buffets they graze.
She can't pretend she doesn't miss
the taste of scraps and local greens
seasoned with her mother's spice and tears. Nice detailing through this stanza. Not sure the story line on the missing home details is strong enough – perhaps just a tweak , if anything at all. It is very close and I really like it.

Her babe sleeps safe and free to dream:
not bound to ragged past he'll sing a newfound song,
her lullaby imprinted on his breast- did not get how a lullaby can imprint on a breast, but I still like it A lullaby can imprint upon a heart, I think I just liked breast and beast.
a queen, head high, who faced the beast. And the end is a great Mill’s n Boon moment of classic heroine rising above it all despite the odds. Great read.

-Ellajam

---

Hi Ell, my reply is a mess of colour changes - go in a mix up with the formatting and then couldn't undo the resulting balls up without just starting again. Sorry about that -out of time now gtg. think it is still readable..

Formatting fixed.

AJ, I can't thank you enough for the time and thought you put into this. I was so relieved just to come up with something acceptable for this challenge. I did not know if it could stand alone, and would have let it fade away quietly without your generous encouragement. I will rethink this with your comments in mind and see what I can do.

Again, your efforts are greatly appreciated.