03-06-2014, 11:22 AM
Chris,
I get what you are attempting with this extended metaphor, but it seems a bit wordy.
"I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,"
What do the lines
"pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,"
add to this stanza?
To me it should just be
"I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron"
although I don't really know what saffron equates to, vanilla is self explanatory.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This:
suffered the blackened pod
and crimson stigma
you pressed into suspicious
razor-blade wafers.
to:
suffered the blackened pod
with crimson stigma
made from suspicion
and pressed into
razor-blade wafers.
The problem is what connection does suspicion to " blackened pod
with crimson stigma"
-------------------------------------------
The same problem persist through, the object, "words", "suspicion", "regrets" and so on, do not seem to have any connection to the "Confection". For that reason, I get little from this poem, although I understand the intent. I think it is a good idea, but currently your not pulling it off.
If I were going to describe "regret" in terms of eatables, I would use something acidic, as regret taste acidic, like heartburn. Or defeat leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth. I would want to try and play off of these already established conventions, so that the eatable had some kind of connection to the object. I think the closets you get to this is
"your words of vanilla"
Maybe I'm missing something here, can you tell me what saffron describes about the "words".
Usually you would want to give the reader more of a hint, like:
You words are vanilla and eggshells,
bland and too fragile.
or something like that.
Best,
Dale
I get what you are attempting with this extended metaphor, but it seems a bit wordy.
"I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,"
What do the lines
"pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,"
add to this stanza?
To me it should just be
"I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron"
although I don't really know what saffron equates to, vanilla is self explanatory.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This:
suffered the blackened pod
and crimson stigma
you pressed into suspicious
razor-blade wafers.
to:
suffered the blackened pod
with crimson stigma
made from suspicion
and pressed into
razor-blade wafers.
The problem is what connection does suspicion to " blackened pod
with crimson stigma"
-------------------------------------------
The same problem persist through, the object, "words", "suspicion", "regrets" and so on, do not seem to have any connection to the "Confection". For that reason, I get little from this poem, although I understand the intent. I think it is a good idea, but currently your not pulling it off.
If I were going to describe "regret" in terms of eatables, I would use something acidic, as regret taste acidic, like heartburn. Or defeat leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth. I would want to try and play off of these already established conventions, so that the eatable had some kind of connection to the object. I think the closets you get to this is
"your words of vanilla"
Maybe I'm missing something here, can you tell me what saffron describes about the "words".
Usually you would want to give the reader more of a hint, like:
You words are vanilla and eggshells,
bland and too fragile.
or something like that.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.