03-06-2014, 10:39 AM
Hi there! Well done for posting your work! There are elements to your poem that I liked - sonnets are a constrictive form so well done for keeping with the rhyme scheme. One piece of advice would be to consider reworking the lines into iambic pentameter, as traditional for sonnets and will give the poem a sense of rhythm 
The first stanza is a little abstract - what is the significance of the 'empty spaces'? This idea could be developed.
The same with 'familiar disentwines' - nice language, but a little confusing.
What does the addressee 'find'? If this idea is not going to be developed in the poem, it might as well be omitted.
I liked the simplicity of the second verse - one element I would suggest rethinking is the personification of 'love' - it's a bit cliché.
'I visit death upon your lips' has a gothic quality to it, which could be seen as a little overdramatic by itself. However, if you decided to develop this idea, it could be great - how does the narrator visit death? Do they feel as if they are standing at the crossroads of heaven and hell? What does death taste like? How can death be visited - isn't there a risk when hanging out with death?
'sorrow in your eyes' - also a bit cliché - how about something outside the box, such as 'the years in the creases beneath those eyes' which takes the same idea but expresses it in a slightly less predictable way? Play around with your lines, experiment with expression
'Sensuous grace' though lovely regal language, also a bit abstract. I really liked the idea of sweetness in your aftertaste though - I thought that ended the poem in with an effective, bittersweet tone.
Overall, well done! I really liked that you wrote a sonnet, and there are some good ideas in it - maybe too many ideas! My advice would be for you to select a few elements and express them in a clearer, more detailed and specific way.
All the best, good luck with your writing!
The first stanza is a little abstract - what is the significance of the 'empty spaces'? This idea could be developed.
The same with 'familiar disentwines' - nice language, but a little confusing.
What does the addressee 'find'? If this idea is not going to be developed in the poem, it might as well be omitted.
I liked the simplicity of the second verse - one element I would suggest rethinking is the personification of 'love' - it's a bit cliché.
'I visit death upon your lips' has a gothic quality to it, which could be seen as a little overdramatic by itself. However, if you decided to develop this idea, it could be great - how does the narrator visit death? Do they feel as if they are standing at the crossroads of heaven and hell? What does death taste like? How can death be visited - isn't there a risk when hanging out with death?
'sorrow in your eyes' - also a bit cliché - how about something outside the box, such as 'the years in the creases beneath those eyes' which takes the same idea but expresses it in a slightly less predictable way? Play around with your lines, experiment with expression
'Sensuous grace' though lovely regal language, also a bit abstract. I really liked the idea of sweetness in your aftertaste though - I thought that ended the poem in with an effective, bittersweet tone.
Overall, well done! I really liked that you wrote a sonnet, and there are some good ideas in it - maybe too many ideas! My advice would be for you to select a few elements and express them in a clearer, more detailed and specific way.
All the best, good luck with your writing!