Deftly, and Soon

[71degrees]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—
the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable
this moment has been

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospital

Hi 71degrees..this is wonderfully descriptive, particularly..

bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—

And I liked the curve ball at the end. Very unexpected.

Maybe just a bit of streamlining is in order..

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—
the total pallor of snow
sky, a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime.

And you should do it soon,
before that last ride
to the hospital.

I took the liberty of removing S2 altogether, because it is implied throughout the rest of the piece and feels redundant, or like you are spoonfeeding the reader.

I also made the punctuation consistent and dropped a couple of unneeded words.

Thank you for indulging me. Overall, I really like this.

You're welcome and thank you for the re-write. I guess I'll need a new title w/your deletion of "deftly." I agree w/some of your changes, but in general, I'm not a fan of end marks. Too confining for my tastes. Free verse poetry is so open to liberalism in mechanics in all aspects, it's the consistency of such that I think is more of a necessity to the understanding of the poem's message, which in my book is paramount to any poem. I try and give credit to the knowledgeable reader to be able to tell that a stanza has ended w/o a period being there. At least from my humble POV.

As always, I appreciate your thoughts.

---

Very nice piece.

There were an couple of enjambments that I would suggest looking at.

how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,

and

the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen

Neither is a big issue, and the breaks do work in themselves, but equally the enjambed word could be put back without losing the meter and clarifying the sense.

Since neither is a big issue, and the poem doesn't rely on a fixed meter, I think I'll keep them. I like compound words and/or images that can break at end lines. Makes the reader work a bit to see the image that can often be used in either line.

Appreciate the look see and suggestions very much.