First shot at poetry

[geoff]

The freedom of the mind escapes me
Bound by the realism on which I rely
The paintbrush finds it's way to my hands
I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become blurs
Light becomes dark, becomes nothing
My chance, fading
The canvas stays blank
A masterpiece, condemned to exist
In my mind. Forever

Hello Bahdriel,

I'm taking it that this is the version I should be looking at? It may help to add this to the first post through an edit. It's nice to see how a poem progresses, so adding this version above or below the original with a version number or date could be useful for learning or understanding where changes get made.

Do you need the first two lines? I think having a focus (painting) would give you a bit of direction on where to take the piece. It would also emphasize the contrasts you're bringing up (blue vs. yellow, crisp vs. blurred). The first two lines, from my point of view, don't really contribute to the rest of the poem.

I would also consider removing the "becomes nothing". What you would get is something like this:

I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become blurs
Light becomes dark, my chance, fading
The canvas stays blank

Even the "my chance" could be removed if desired to keep the focus on the "painting"/canvas.

I also don't think the "forever" is needed; the "condemned" feels like punishment enough from my end.

To summarize: I think this poem needs some pruning to realize what its focus really is. Could lead to something interesting; I wouldn't have guessed it was a "first shot" because it has a good base lurking in there.

Hope that helps,

-geoff