02-27-2014, 01:32 AM
The 3rd line feels like it has too many syllables to me, it seems to disrupt the flow. I'd maybe change it to
"I’ll live and die before hair turns gray"
I feel the "my" isn't needed
I'd agree with the others that the tense swap seems a bit jarring. But over all i really like it so far, especially the end.
"I’ll live and die before hair turns gray"
I feel the "my" isn't needed
I'd agree with the others that the tense swap seems a bit jarring. But over all i really like it so far, especially the end.