I Need a Time Machine to Save a Life

[billy]

Good job! You should tell the little girl to love herself the most though because that is more important than any man.

this is not feedback as far as you/we know the person may not even exist.
why was it a good job? what worked in the poem, what didn't work.
while we don't expect a4 size amounts of feedback we do hope for a little more than one liners :J:/mod

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hi angel

the theme is something all parents who have daughters go through so you'll have some empathy with it. a few thoughts below. at present the poem is telly and wordy. show us something about the girl and the 1st person whose narrating the poem.

an example;

I need to tell her

'wait'.

Not to settle
For the unworthy.

though there's little imagery in what i wrote, it sort of gives an idea how to make the words less yet more.

thanks for the read.

I need to tell a young girl
That one day she will be loved. loved is a huge word two is almost massive, if you remove the one in this line you'll create some enjambment and the reader will have to pause and think more. [a suggestion]
Loved for exactly who she is; exactly feels redundant.
Not for some fake image she
Invents for the world to see.

I need to tell her to wait.
She doesn't need to settle
For someone who is unworthy.
There will be a man who loves
Her body, mind and soul.
Someone who sees it all and
Wants it more than anything.

I need to tell her that she
Shouldn't damage herself so
Much that she ruins the good
Once she finally finds it.

I need to tell her not to
Ruin her life, my life.

I need to tell her not to
Do what she did today.