02-26-2014, 01:21 PM
AOF,
This line seems a bit off
"Wants it more than anything. " Seems it should read "Wants her more than anything."
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Could probably drop some of the "I need to tell". The first one is the only necessary one.
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Drop capitalizing the first word of every line, that convention went out in the 1950's, except in the case of sonnets, which this is not.
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For the last four line, an example not a suggestion.
I want to tell her not to
ruin our life, by doing again
what she did today."
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For me a primary concern is there is no cadence to help move this along. Also, I would agree with Chris, "I would try to incorporate a core metaphor", or any metaphor, or poetics tropes.
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Anyway, I do agree it is a good idea to work with, not completely original, but certain not overused. I think how you determine to put the idea to use will determine its success or not.
Best,
Dale
This line seems a bit off
"Wants it more than anything. " Seems it should read "Wants her more than anything."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could probably drop some of the "I need to tell". The first one is the only necessary one.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drop capitalizing the first word of every line, that convention went out in the 1950's, except in the case of sonnets, which this is not.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the last four line, an example not a suggestion.
I want to tell her not to
ruin our life, by doing again
what she did today."
------------------------------------------------
For me a primary concern is there is no cadence to help move this along. Also, I would agree with Chris, "I would try to incorporate a core metaphor", or any metaphor, or poetics tropes.
---------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, I do agree it is a good idea to work with, not completely original, but certain not overused. I think how you determine to put the idea to use will determine its success or not.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.