I Need a Time Machine to Save a Life

[geoff]

Hello Angel,

welcome to the site; nice to see you posting so soon.
Here are some quick thoughts I had:

I need to tell a young girl
That one day she will be loved.
Loved for exactly who she is;
Not for some fake image she ...could we elaborate on this "fake image"? When the reader is allowed to imagine instead of being told, the reader is able to get immersed in the piece. When all the hard work is done already for the reader, it really keeps a distance from the writer
Invents for the world to see.

I need to tell her to wait.
She doesn't need to settle
For someone who is unworthy.
There will be a man who loves
Her body, mind and soul. ...how could this "love" be demonstrated? Again, rather than being outwardly described as such, having a line or two that shows how the man keeps his eyes on her as she speaks, sits at the table so his knee brushes hers, etc. It is these hints of something more that can spur the imagination for the reader
Someone who sees it all and
Wants it more than anything.

I need to tell her that she
Shouldn't damage herself so ....another place where an example and some showing could really work wonders. How has she damaged herself? give a line or two or a stanza or something that explains implicitly
Much that she ruins the good
Once she finally finds it.

I need to tell her not to
Ruin her life, my life.

I need to tell her not to
Do what she did today.

I'm feeling a lot of emotion behind the piece, but that is striking me as more of a distraction. I'm being told how to feel as I read, rather than being led by suggestion. To have a stronger impact for me, it helps when I can draw my own conclusions a bit more often. The easiest way to do that would be through more imagery and engaging of the senses. In that way, I'm agreeing with Christopher's comments.

I hope that helps. Thanks for the read,

-geoff