02-26-2014, 09:14 AM
Hello Chris,
This edit reads much more clearly to me and I think it brings out the intentions more strongly. The ordering of events strikes me as being a bit more logical. I think capitals for the flowers works better than italics so I'm glad that is what you opted for.
The "troubled gardens...eves" bit still does not strike me as necessary; it feels like the speaker is stepping back to summarize and disengages me from the action, but that is personal taste. A nice job editing.
-geoff
This edit reads much more clearly to me and I think it brings out the intentions more strongly. The ordering of events strikes me as being a bit more logical. I think capitals for the flowers works better than italics so I'm glad that is what you opted for.
The "troubled gardens...eves" bit still does not strike me as necessary; it feels like the speaker is stepping back to summarize and disengages me from the action, but that is personal taste. A nice job editing.
-geoff