02-24-2014, 07:39 AM
i have never had a wrench in my trunks but lets not make this about me,
i don't know the form apart from reading what it is. it stands as a good poem. without checking up (does the refrain start at the 1st or 2nd stanza? i like the inch pinch cinch thing that's going on. i have read the other feedback and can see why some of what was said was said, that said, i don't think i'd change a thing unless it's to fit the form (which i'm not sure of) do have a suggestion of swapping line one with line two in the 1st but that's all it is, a suggestion.
it's one of those poems most of us can relate to, a twattish boss when we're in an impossible situation.
wish i could have been more help.
i don't know the form apart from reading what it is. it stands as a good poem. without checking up (does the refrain start at the 1st or 2nd stanza? i like the inch pinch cinch thing that's going on. i have read the other feedback and can see why some of what was said was said, that said, i don't think i'd change a thing unless it's to fit the form (which i'm not sure of) do have a suggestion of swapping line one with line two in the 1st but that's all it is, a suggestion.
it's one of those poems most of us can relate to, a twattish boss when we're in an impossible situation.
wish i could have been more help.
(02-24-2014, 12:07 AM)ellajam Wrote: As snow is falling inch by inch,
the birds have flown: no wren, no finch.
Accumulating tall and fast,
white walls the gift of arctic blast. Arctic
Anticipating winter's pinch
my car's trunk holds an ancient winch,
it brings back chills of blizzards past
as snow is falling.
Although at dawn it was a cinch
to get to work, I'd like to lynch
my boss whose gall is unsurpassed,
who has us stuck in drifts amassed,
the only one who doesn't flinch
as snow is falling.
(I'm working on this from the rondeau practice thread. I don't know if it stands as anything other than practice, all suggestions welcomed.)
