Spinning Tires (edit #2)

[ellajam]

I like saying "snow is falling inch by inch" but it doesn't really /fall/ in inches as much as it accumulates in inches. This probably won't bother anyone else. Also, have the birds really flown /as/ the snow is falling?

Thanks for reading, milo. This winter some of the snows have been so thick the inches formed right before my eyes. With the birds I was alluding to the silence the snowfall brings, someone actually asked me where the birds went during the storm.

But my explanations are no help if it sounds wrong in the poem. I'll see if I can clarify.

Thanks for bringing out those points.

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This one was fun to read. =] Maybe this is part of the form, but I keep wanting to read "as THE snow is falling."

I'm not sure S1 L3-4 deserve a full stop at the end, not exactly a sentence.

The birds seem to be mentioned solely for the sake of "finch", and personally I think birds are overmentioned in the poetry around here anyway...

In S3 I understand that your boss has buried you and coworkers in work, and is happy you can't leave. Is that right? It could be phrased a bit clearer I think.

Just thoughts. =]

-justcloudy

ha, that's two thumbs down on the birds. Thanks for commenting on finch, I'll try to eliminate the rhymes that sound the most forced.

Using "the" would not mess with the form although it may mess with the meter, but I'll certainly give it a try, and look at the full stops.

I thought I was being pretty blunt in S3 but I'll see if I can clarify there.

Thanks for reading, I'm glad it was fun and I really appreciate your thoughtful comments.

Gathering ammo for next edit.