02-21-2014, 09:55 AM
Alex,
This is a somewhat original idea as far as love poems go, and you manage to avoid most of the cliches usually associated with such poetry. However there is a fair amount of ambiguity, as well as missing material the reader would need to make much of this. Some notes below.
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This reads a little to stiff and pedantic, the first three lines start with some form of "it".
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This phrase is a bit cliche "It sent me to hell and back"
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" I watch the fire torch my spirit, but you never let me burn alone." What fire?
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"The masochist in me is at war with my soul"
As soul is undefined, do you mean it as "conscience" "essence" "ego". Soul can be used in many ways, and without qualifying how you are using it, the phrase has no graspable meaning.
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I think if you are going to work with this, it needs to be expanded to give more of the story behind these thought burbs. As it is it fails to elicit an emotional response as there is not enough here for the reader to become invested in it.
"I can't obtain any facts to prove my theory, but in the end I won't ever stop loving you."
Is the theory that you "won't ever stop loving" them?
Best,
Dale
This is a somewhat original idea as far as love poems go, and you manage to avoid most of the cliches usually associated with such poetry. However there is a fair amount of ambiguity, as well as missing material the reader would need to make much of this. Some notes below.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This reads a little to stiff and pedantic, the first three lines start with some form of "it".
----------------------------------------------------------
This phrase is a bit cliche "It sent me to hell and back"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
" I watch the fire torch my spirit, but you never let me burn alone." What fire?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The masochist in me is at war with my soul"
As soul is undefined, do you mean it as "conscience" "essence" "ego". Soul can be used in many ways, and without qualifying how you are using it, the phrase has no graspable meaning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think if you are going to work with this, it needs to be expanded to give more of the story behind these thought burbs. As it is it fails to elicit an emotional response as there is not enough here for the reader to become invested in it.
"I can't obtain any facts to prove my theory, but in the end I won't ever stop loving you."
Is the theory that you "won't ever stop loving" them?
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.