Evening Shower (for Tom)

[ChristopherSea]

I like the whole of it, "cascade of congenial inconsonance" especially gave me a grin.

Rain streaks
across the page,
melting my metaphors
with the mercurial abandon
of a precocious child: no great loss
as my phrases were as empty as the glass
that held my last portion of Scotch. I lay my head
upon the table, and fall asleep to the sotto voce
cascade
of congenial
inconsonance
in this unexpected
evening shower.

Love the 'shroom' Ella! I was going to suggest another conrete shape as well.


Dale, I too was wondering if you could do more with the shape of your piece to either look like a storm, a glass or a bottle of scotch. Here's the glass:

Rain streaks across the page, melting
my metaphors with the mercurial
abandon of a precocious child:
no great loss as my phrases
were as empty as the glass
that held my last portion
of Scotch. I lay my head
upon the table, and fall
asleep to the sotto voce
cascade of congenial
inconsonance in this
unexpected evening shower.

As for the poem, I found ‘mercurial abandon’ of a ‘precocious child’ intriguing, but something like ‘Baptist minister’, ‘rebel leader’ or ‘radical extremist’ seems more apropos. I suppose mercurial is too harsh for a young child. Wouldn’t a ‘gulp’ or ‘swig’ serve you better than a ‘portion’? Especially, just before you pass out. ‘Sotto voce cascade’ is lovely! ‘congenial
inconsonance’ adds some nice alliteration, but it comes off a little pedantic. Nonetheless, I like the contrast between the words and the ‘pleasant disharmony’ of the interloping shower. Perhaps some considerations for an edit. Yes, I know this is in ‘for fun’! Accordingly, it brought a smile to my face. A nice gift Dale. Cheers/Chris