02-17-2014, 04:32 PM
You have some nice lines and a good delivery in the video, but I've read too many poems/songs about someone regretting ever falling in love that it's hard for anything just saying that to really hit home.
This is more prose than poetry in my eyes (you're telling, not showing with images; and are using the natural rhythm of speech rather than meter), and that makes it more difficult to offer helpful critique, for me at least. A line can also stick-out like a sore thumb on paper as awkward, but sound great when you hear it spoken. I'll try and come back with some more specific critique when I have time to listen through a couple of times while reading along.
This is more prose than poetry in my eyes (you're telling, not showing with images; and are using the natural rhythm of speech rather than meter), and that makes it more difficult to offer helpful critique, for me at least. A line can also stick-out like a sore thumb on paper as awkward, but sound great when you hear it spoken. I'll try and come back with some more specific critique when I have time to listen through a couple of times while reading along.