United Within

[Love]

Here's an example of an inspired poem that doesn't carry. It's like you're screaming pretension. I say keep the topic of social injustice, but write something more personal. Something striking to you. This poem is overgeneralized and comes off bleak.

Can't wait to see what you come up with,
Sandra

Thank you for the feedback sorry this may sound like a dumb question, but how would I personalize it per say?

Hi, Love, welcome.

There are many ways you could approach this thought. One is to create a situation that expresses it without stating it, a picture that would bring us to your conclusion. Another is to come up with a metaphor that will do the same.

I suggest reading more poems, when you come across something that effects you in an Aha way, you'll get the idea. I find this site a good place to read because the critiques point out what works and why as well as what doesn't work and why not.

Again, welcome.

Thank you for the great feedback, I will definitely start reading more poetry on here! "create a situation that expresses it without stating it" - that's a hard concept :p could you give an example

Thank you so much!

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Love,

The title does not entice a read, while the poem has little to say. Yes, a smile is universal, but seas are not limitless any more with internet, jets, you know... Nonetheless, no one could argue with the concept of a united world with freedom and justice for all. However, you need substance and image to bring life to this piece. Bring up vivid images of injustice like gang rape in South Africa and India or the abuse of children as pawns in Sudan's civil war or 3.5 million starved to death in North Korea while a dictator watches exhibition basketball. You don't have to directly mention any specific atrocity, but it would be good to point out inequality in your call for equality.

I would entitle this 'A New Pangea' in your plea for a world without borders. Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris

Thank you for the great feedback, and I really like you explaining to me what to do. It helps a lot and I really appreciate it, honestly!

I followed your advice and came up with this, let me know what I should fix

A New Pangea

Millions of people all alike
seperated by fictious borders
controlled by government and politics
the poor and helpless put at the bottom
of a corrupt hierarchy of authority
dishonest leaders live luxurious lifestyles
funding their simpleminded death machine
while their people die of starvation
propoganda controlling their view of reality
it is a vicious cycle of power
put an end to the segregation
and allow this world to live as one