02-16-2014, 01:27 AM
Love,
The title does not entice a read, while the poem has little to say. Yes, a smile is universal, but seas are not limitless any more with internet, jets, you know... Nonetheless, no one could argue with the concept of a united world with freedom and justice for all. However, you need substance and image to bring life to this piece. Bring up vivid images of injustice like gang rape in South Africa and India or the abuse of children as pawns in Sudan's civil war or 3.5 million starved to death in North Korea while a dictator watches exhibition basketball. You don't have to directly mention any specific atrocity, but it would be good to point out inequality in your call for equality.
I would entitle this 'A New Pangea' in your plea for a world without borders. Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris
The title does not entice a read, while the poem has little to say. Yes, a smile is universal, but seas are not limitless any more with internet, jets, you know... Nonetheless, no one could argue with the concept of a united world with freedom and justice for all. However, you need substance and image to bring life to this piece. Bring up vivid images of injustice like gang rape in South Africa and India or the abuse of children as pawns in Sudan's civil war or 3.5 million starved to death in North Korea while a dictator watches exhibition basketball. You don't have to directly mention any specific atrocity, but it would be good to point out inequality in your call for equality.
I would entitle this 'A New Pangea' in your plea for a world without borders. Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris