Prayer to the Dark Face

[cidermaid]

Hi Jack, I like this one a lot in terms of concept story, but I get a bit lost in a couple of places. (Overall I'm reading a sort of unspoken screwtape message to those who dabble in the dark arts - the dark face is in anticipation of fruitful lies). But the narator is confused to my read. Is it satan himself speaking - one of his underlings (a screwtape voice) or is there a voice of warning narrator? I feel that you need to sharpen up the persona of your voice - i did not know if the dabler (potentially me) was being mocked or warned my a voice of confession of one who has experianced first hand... or is this encouragement to dive on in!.
I hope you do choose to work this one further - I like it.

Not a big fan of the title at the moment. (But this is because of my issue with the narrative voice)

To hasty dabblers in shock: beware, I need a bit more for the shock to work or be understood...I think you make the dabler too naive and innocent with this. I think it is actually not needed as the word dabllers suplies enough. They can then be naive and in for a nasty shock or well versed in dark arts but lacking experiance to control the power - it will leave me as a reader to surmise my own image. If i'm told they are shocked it leaves me wanting the sub story...which then might make the read tedious with details
this magic bleeds through flowers, rain and stone. Is this needed?
The quiet skies are merely painted rooves, I think you might have missed a trick here with rooves (I'm British I do rooves - so fine!. However the sky as a roof is a bit cliche for me)..but I read your rooves the first time as roods just because I wasn't fully awake and my mind slotted this in - this would give a layered meaning - distance multiplied, rood screen (seperation of the spiritual from that which is not - just an idea for you to chew over
floating above each creed of human scum.

The Dark Face lives, on its throne of coal, This whole stanza is not delivering it feels weak, but I sort of get the idea - I would perfer inhabits a throne of coal..although the throne of coal is not really exciting me much. I like the idea of him being found in a dark seam (of coal) reflecting many altars or the dark face wearing a crown of coal, but I think this line / whole stanza needs a re-work to sharpen it up
behind each altar built for those features,
regardance and worship of their lifeline.
You might call it a mask, though it's empty. I like the behind the veil of darkness the mask is empty image

Take hands, or if without companions stand,
your arms spread like an elder martyred sage.
The Face is coming, coming, here. It says...
"do what thou wilt, do what thou wilt." Think this is your strongest stanza and feel you should work back off this point to get the rest of the poem to line up with this voice more coherantly - I read this voice as the servant of the dark face, encouraging junior dabblers in the dark arts to enter in to his realm.

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The last line is taken from Aleister Crowley's dictum: "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law."