The Little Things

[visualcondyle]

Another Revision of "The Little Things"

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting,
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning,
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand
like a music baton, accessible

the smallish woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation

the man’s free right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger,
a small gesture; in a few minutes,
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed
from each other’s perspective

---------

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting, you could also use a dash here
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny I'd remove "," after couple
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning, -"," after hair
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand his fork in hand like a music baton,
like a music baton, accessible ,

the smallish woman across from him, the petite/small woman
her hair also white, a soft hat on, her hair his mirror,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping a soft hat, a nest for little birds
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation you could leave out small for redundancy

the man’s free right hand touches his right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger, her left index finger
a small gesture; in a few minutes, period after gesture?
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed make clearer
from each other’s perspective "


Hey there,

I think it's great that you are working so hard on this poem I love the
imagery involved, it's a fantastic narrative. I can see everything so
clearly, and that's how something narrative ought to be.

The last two lines are a little unclear to me, perhaps you can re-evaluate
so I can connect to them more as a the reader. I am unsure what you mean by them.

I wish you luck in any future revisions!

-VisualCondyle (Tara)