02-15-2014, 01:15 AM
Your poems have a tendency to replace concision of image or thought with mere wordiness, creating a leaden rhythm, but this one stays just shy of that. It's densely written, but in a good way. You're clearly improving as a poet and this is a brilliant poem. The rhythm is solid and stable, each phrase rolls off the tongue. This is one which I'd love to hear read. The last line is my favourite. It brims with scorn, but also has a delicious splash of dark humour.
Like Erthona, there's nothing I would change in the poem itself. Every individual line seems to be exactly where it should be, and the central image is so subtly conveyed, yet so profoundly clear, that I envy you this poem! (I also agree with Erthona about his title suggestion, by the way.) Thank you very much for the read, ChristopherSea
Like Erthona, there's nothing I would change in the poem itself. Every individual line seems to be exactly where it should be, and the central image is so subtly conveyed, yet so profoundly clear, that I envy you this poem! (I also agree with Erthona about his title suggestion, by the way.) Thank you very much for the read, ChristopherSea
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe