Missed call -- 4:13pm edit 1 (rewrite of Just for a night)

[Truerenigma]

edit 1 Thanks AJ

Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge, I love the smells here
surveying the field sprinkled with bales. By daddy She stands would be a better line break, the inversion isn't helping you here.
she stands small, hand secure in his.

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet Every time I come back to check your revisions and progress I am really just stopping in to see if you got rid of this yet. The fedex bullet thing does nothing for me.
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion moment. You may want to cut the whole bit. It is too abstract and over modified to provide and image, and the phrasing and sounds just aren't interesting enough to justify its existence.

She stands large, Maybe cut large, and go for something like stands with daddy and appraises the wreckage.
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashes gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field.

4:13 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled wakes up at 4:13
with a checkered shirt, a worn down smile,
a heart still unattacked.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts You need at least one comma in this wild inversion
his mornings.colon to set off the list. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

She shuts down slurred urges on the hour shuts down slurred urges is painful. Maybe cut the whole stanza.
to gape at the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry.



original (kind of)

Tractor diesel and mowed alfalfa bring her to the edge
of the field sprinkled with fresh bales. She stands small,
surveying with daddy, hand enveloped by his.

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion minute. She stands large,
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashing gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field.

4:38 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled
with his checkered shirt, worn down smile,
and heart still unattacked.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

Once an hour she shuts down slurred urges
to stare at her phone-- the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry.



original poem/thread here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=13367

I like the poem, I really do. I think it would be a rather nice piece if you took a very objective approach to paring off the unneeded parts, and corrected the inversions. It's free verse so rhymes are fine, yes, but they don't have to be at the ends of the lines.