One Theory about Alzheimer's

[71degrees]

There are certain moments
everyone comes to rely on;
those thoughts that come to us
when we have uprooted roots 
and our minds have moved
elsewhere

                                at times, 
despite stillness, old needs stir 
and the wish to grip the present 
recedes to claim half-buried bones;
hands try to grasp shards of light, 
our old toys, an empty street,
a narrow room

an open window, fresh baked bread,
sneakers, a porcelain duck, certain
Novembers, a backyard swing set

                        permanence 
is left to the foolish, our present, 
left, now our past, dry-mouthed,
sun-stroked; we want to hold onto 
anything that pleas

---

"at times" and "permanence" should be justified right. Even in EDIT mode, I can't seem to move them over.

There are certain moments
that we come to rely on; see my comment about this
these thoughts that come to us
when we have become uprooted
and our minds have moved
elsewhere,

                                at times,
despite stillness, old needs stir
and the wish to grip the present
recedes to claim half-buried bones;
hands try to grasp shards of light,
our old toys, an empty street,
a narrow room- I like the dash here to push the reader down into the next line

an open window, fresh baked bread,
sneakers, a porcelain duck, certain
Novembers, a backyard swing set perhaps a colon here to create pause before the important mention of the word permanence?

                        permanence -- em-dash here would create foreshadowing of a reference to come
is left to the foolish, our present,
left, do you mean to have a comma here? now our past, dry-mouthed,
sun-stroked; we want to hold onto
anything that pleas I also read this as pleads

-------------------------------------
Hey there,

This is an absolutely lovely poem with an incredibly open, and at times, confessional
speaker. Towards the end of the poem, the speaker's voice seems to coast heavily
towards the list of items that are appropriate:

  "an open window, fresh baked bread,
  sneakers, a porcelain duck, certain
  Novembers, a backyard swing set"

During the list of these things, it seems almost natural to me as the reader to
want to "rush" through to your "permanence," placed in the next stanza (I definitely
like this). My comment above regarding the 1st stanza-- it might be more appropriate
to use the "we" instead of creating a universal, if, you are interested in your content connecting with the reader.
Occasionally, it can be an adverse feeling to be placed under a universal blanket when
it is quite possible, that the reader doesn't feel these things (yet).

The ending leaves me feeling thoughtful, and looking into the quiet that permeates because
the words " want to hold onto " don't really require any noise to experience first-hand.

I added in a few comments above, mostly relating to punctuation.
Thank you for posting!

-VisualCondyle (Tara)

Thank you for your punctuation commentary. I like to roll my poems without stops (periods) and therefore rely heavily on other marks. Your suggestions are well taken and I agree w/most of them. I am attempting to rewrite the ending ("pleas" needs to stay). I realize I took the word out of its regular part of speech context and that seems to be confusing folks. Alzheimer's people are incapable of "pleading." Somewhere in the dark recesses of my father's brain, I think he realized he was beyond sick. Before he crossed that line of never coming back, he was remembering the pleas of a normal life (or what he assumed was normal…but all he could remember were things from the past). He wasn't "pleading." All I know is that Alzheimer's is a bane. Trying to make sense of it is maddening.

Again, thanks for your time here. Appreciate very much.