One Theory about Alzheimer's

[71degrees]

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No insult taken whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I'm beginning to like this place (with small baby steps), but folks here tend to "read" poems how they want them, or worse, how they think they should be written, rather than trying to understand the subject from the writer's POV. No one knows for sure how a particular subject should be written except the writer. Criticism is always welcome about the particulars of a poem (an image, the tense, hell, even the dreaded lack of punctuation), but once in a while whole poems are rewritten here and I just can't figure out why?

Again, no insult taken about your Alzheimer's observations. My approach is always that art is "open" to interpretation. Always.

i see this as the reason for feedback, we take from it what will. often it's hard to see a poem from the poets POV. often the reader gets the wrong take on a poem as you say. sometimes whole poems are re written because the poet isn't sure or doesn't know how to take feedback...i've been guilty of that myself, often changing everything in the poem till it's a different animal. i do think the poets here reach a stage where they know what they want and know how to utilise the feedback given. like everything else knowing how to use feedback is as important as giving feedback or writing poetry, all slices of the same cake. you're capable of saying no this is right for me, many are not. you are capable of writing a decent poem, many are not. if you look at the decent poets on the site they all have one thing in common, then know when to refuse certain feedback and not use it. sometimes a poem really does need a rewrite. lets also remember that this is a workshop where sometimes the process of workshopping is more important than the poem,
arthur ashe as well as many other have said.

Success is a journey, not a destination.
The doing is often more important than the outcome. sorry about the discourse, back on topic;

Your poem

the last two stanza worked really well for me though pleas threw me a little. i think you capture some small aspect of the disease though the 1st stanza feels a bit wordy.

thanks for the read.

One Theory about Alzheimer's

There are certain moments
everyone comes to rely on;
those thoughts that come to us is those needed?
when we have uprooted roots
and our minds have moved
elsewhere while this stanza sets the poem up it does feel a little weak, that said i do like the last two lines and the subtle way a wandering mind is introduced.

                                at times,
despite stillness, old needs stir
and the wish to grip the present
recedes to claim half-buried bones; i like this line because it makes the reader think about what recede means for me it's getting lost (in the context of the poem) like tootles loosing his marbles, knowing he's lost them but not where.
hands try to grasp shards of light, for me shards of light doesn't quite work as well as it should. i understand the light is a memory but i think a better word choice is needed.
our old toys, an empty street,
a narrow room

an open window, fresh baked bread,
sneakers, a porcelain duck, certain
Novembers, a backyard swing set

                        permanence
is left to the foolish, our present,
left, now our past, dry-mouthed, there feels to be a conflict with the two lefts. a suggestion would be [for the foolish, our present, ]
sun-stroked; we want to hold onto
anything that pleas i keep wanting to read this last word as pleads.

Thanks for the note about formatting. Drives me crazy when a poem doesn't sit on the screen the same way I put it there.

Also thanks for the detailed critique. I am often confused about what category a poem belongs in. Doesn't seem to be much difference between "Serious" and "Moderate" around here.

I do agree w/your notes about "left"…this needs work. Am fascinated by words w/two and three definitions. Am trying to work w/"left" as in an Alzheimer's person "left" his memories as easily as a normal person would have "left" a package behind. Therefore the two usages in the poem.

Again, thanks for the detailed examination. Appreciate it.

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There are certain moments
everyone comes to rely on; I think a colon would make more sense here, as a colon qualifies/ defines while a semicolon connects two independent clauses
those thoughts that come to us those might not be needed
when we have uprooted roots 
and our minds have moved
elsewhere I enjoyed this line break and how it literally moved the thought "elsewhere" within the poem

                                at times, 
despite stillness, old needs stir 
and the wish to grip the present 
recedes to claim half-buried bones;
hands try to grasp shards of light, 
our old toys, an empty street,
a narrow room

an open window, fresh baked bread,
sneakers, a porcelain duck, certain
Novembers, a backyard swing set

                        permanence 
is left to the foolish, our present, 
left, now our past, dry-mouthed,
sun-stroked; we want to hold onto 
anything that pleas I love this line, and it makes sense in the context of the poem; the word "pleas" has a sort of underlying pun in that we hold onto anything that wants to be held on to, or begs us, and also that is could be seen as the unfinished phrase "pleases us" that can be attributed by the forgetful nature of Alzheimer's.

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"at times" and "permanence" should be justified right. Even in EDIT mode, I can't seem to move them over.

Also to comment on the discourse, art is always up for interpretation, but I think that generally when people make suggestions it is to make the poem make sense within its own context. If you research the difference between formal and historical literary criticisms, you can see why things like "author's intention" are not acceptable for all readers. That being said, that does not necessarily make it unimportant either. Sorry for the tangent

All in all, I really enjoyed the poem. I think its structure really complemented the ideas associated with the disease, and the metaphors worked well for me: half-buried bones, shards of light. Thanks for the read and I look forward to any edits

Agree about the colon / semi-colon. A colon = "note what follows" (totally agree).

Really appreciate your other comments (especially "pleas"…I had "echoes" for the longest time there but it seemed cliche-ish. "pleas" it is. Your comments make me feel I'm in the right direction. It's been almost five years since my father passed. Just now getting a handle on things.

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There are certain moments
everyone comes to rely on; I think a colon would make more sense here, as a colon qualifies/ defines while a semicolon connects two independent clauses
those thoughts that come to us those might not be needed
when we have uprooted roots 
and our minds have moved
elsewhere I enjoyed this line break and how it literally moved the thought "elsewhere" within the poem

                                at times, 
despite stillness, old needs stir 
and the wish to grip the present 
recedes to claim half-buried bones;
hands try to grasp shards of light, 
our old toys, an empty street,
a narrow room

an open window, fresh baked bread,
sneakers, a porcelain duck, certain
Novembers, a backyard swing set

                        permanence 
is left to the foolish, our present, 
left, now our past, dry-mouthed,
sun-stroked; we want to hold onto 
anything that pleas I love this line, and it makes sense in the context of the poem; the word "pleas" has a sort of underlying pun in that we hold onto anything that wants to be held on to, or begs us, and also that is could be seen as the unfinished phrase "pleases us" that can be attributed by the forgetful nature of Alzheimer's.

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"at times" and "permanence" should be justified right. Even in EDIT mode, I can't seem to move them over.

Also to comment on the discourse, art is always up for interpretation, but I think that generally when people make suggestions it is to make the poem make sense within its own context. If you research the difference between formal and historical literary criticisms, you can see why things like "author's intention" are not acceptable for all readers. That being said, that does not necessarily make it unimportant either. Sorry for the tangent

All in all, I really enjoyed the poem. I think its structure really complemented the ideas associated with the disease, and the metaphors worked well for me: half-buried bones, shards of light. Thanks for the read and I look forward to any edits

Individual interpretation is the wonderful thing about art. As both an artist and a poet, I welcome the audiences 'read'! I don’t always approach a piece with a purpose or direction. It can take on its own life or the imagination of the observer. If I can elicit unique reactions with a painting or poem, I am ecstatic.

"Tangents" are what makes the world go around. Love them. Thank you.