Missed call -- 4:13pm edit 1 (rewrite of Just for a night)

[cidermaid]

Hi JC
This has been a period of intensive work on this one. Just passing on advise others have given to me, but perhaps this would be a good time to put this on a shelf and walk away for a period of time and allow yourself some distance....come back later with a sense of freshness.

I did read Dale's comments and in part agree, but obviously he can't have it all his own way ...I have a couple of different takes to offer.

edit 1 Thanks AJ

Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge, I disagree about needing to tell the reader it is a smell under discussion. It would be bordering on cliche for me. I think that the idea of a smell being evocotive and a prompt for a memory such a strong one it has passed into general knowledge...and i still like the double meaning on edge of the field / reason / Psychosis
surveying the field sprinkled with bales. By daddy But I do agree with Dale in part here. I don't think it is the line break rather than a punctuation problem. I would suggest taking these lines apart and reconstructing a sentence to say exactly what you wanted and then set it out from there. As it stands it is clunky but to my read the image is clear enough.
she stands small, hand secure in his.

If it helps i get the following loud and clear from this stanza: A girl on the edge replaying a memory tape- Associations of daddy with tractor diesel, cut alfalfa...being with daddy at the end of harvest. Daddy the farmer. Love / safety

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion moment. She stands large,
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashes gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field. No nits on this stanza. (still not 100% with the chuckles but it works fine within the context of dreaming - everything is twisted). I like the second look switch to grown up girl with daddy...the dream effect of confusing time lines.

4:13 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled
with a checkered shirt, a worn down smile,
a heart still unattacked. This is is beautifully done to give me an image of the enduring sadness of loss before each new day forces reality unpon the weary.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts Perhaps i might be wrong here but I 'm wanting a comma after mug. I read a pause there after I have been told of her focus
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

She shuts down slurred urges on the hour
to gape at the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry. Overall i like the ending but I am not a fan of gapes..I get a negative association of gormlessness.(glazed stare is the image I am looking for but this might be too cliche to work so perhaps something else)

Hope this is of some help
well done on all the work you have done on this already here and in the other thread. Nice workshopping AJ.